We cannot plan for everything. Therefore, we have to accept that life is uncertain.
Last week, I had my Thursday planned. On Wednesday night I ran over a triangular piece of brick while turning into my street. I heard the thud of air escaping. 100 yards farther along the street, as I parked outside my house, I could tell I had a flat tyre. It was dark, and late, and I went to bed.
Thursday morning, I could see that my plans for the day would have to be changed as I went to get the irreparable tyre replaced.
Was there any point in making a fuss? No. I had no choice but to spend the morning changing the wheel and waiting at the repair shop while my tyre was replaced. It wasn’t money I’d planned on spending. But what choice did I have?
So my son and I changed our plans and still enjoyed ourselves. Why?
Because we embraced the change; we embraced the uncertainty; and we got on with life. It was a challenge, but it was also an experience. It gave me the opportunity to show my son how to change a wheel, something I haven’t done since I can’t remember when. Now, although he hasn’t done the full job, he knows how the process works. It was a learning experience for my son, and an opportunity for me to practice equanimity.
We learned, and we enjoyed. No panic, no histrionics. Just enjoy end journey, embracing the uncertainty.
What’s a moment when you realized you were officially an adult?
Taking my wife into hospital in labour with our first child. It was like a switch was suddenly flicked and the realisation hit that childhood freedoms were gone, and real responsibility had kicked in.
None of us completely give up our childhood ways. But we modify them as we supervise our little ones’ faltering steps as they explore the world that we once inhabited.
If you had a time machine and could send just one message to your past self, what would it say?
I would tell myself to be who I am, not what I think others want me to be. Because when you try to be what others want you to be, they’re never satisfied. They won’t like you and you won’t like yourself.
So, cherish the people you’re with, but cherish who you are, too. As long as you’re not harming anyone, just be yourself.
If your future self could send you one sentence, what do you hope it would say?
I would hope that I could look back on my life and say, “You made a difference.”
Many people spend their lives trying to obtain some sort of wealth and so-called success. But what is wealth? What is success?
E told me that her sister, S, was visiting. S, who had no grandchildren, looked around at E’s photos of her grandchildren and said, “I may have money. But your wealth is in these photos.”
Real wealth and real success are in the difference we make in the lives of others.
I have recently become fascinated by the number of people who believe that the world revolves around them.
I’m all for encouraging others to feel good about themselves, and I don’t disagree with trying to engender positivity. I like the concept of helping everyone to build self-esteem.
Yet it seems to me that the current “accept everything” model, together with the idea that it’s not right (not acceptable in a world that accepts everything?) to tell a child that they are in the wrong, is building a world full of selfish entitlement. It’s my way, or no way.
For example, you make arrangements to catch a specific train. That requires you to leave the house by a specific time so as to get to the station on time. Yet the attitude seems to be, “Well the train will just have to wait for me!”
I’m sorry, but when did your entitlement to be late overrule everyone else’s entitlement to be punctual?
Interestingly, such people will often make a major issue over your relaxed arrangements. This is a wonderful experience to behold.
“What time are we leaving?”
“After breakfast.”
“So what time is that?”
“Between 9.00 and 10.00.”
“Can’t you be more specific?”
“Not really. It depends on how long it takes everyone to get ready. But as long as we leave by 10.00 we’ll be fine.”
“So 10.00, then.”
“No. Between 9.00 and 10.00; when we are all ready. But definitely before 10.00 so that we miss the traffic.”
Then the fun starts. Breakfast over, you say:
“Is everyone ready to leave, then?”
“No. I have to get dressed”
“Go on, then. But don’t take too long. You have 15 minutes.”
Twenty minutes later, at 10.05 you go to check.
“Not dressed, yet? We’re going to be late and we’ll get caught in the traffic and miss the train.”
“Well, they’ll just have to wait for me, won’t they. You’ll just have to drive faster.”
And this person who was simply going to die unless you gave them a specific time now holds everything up, expecting everyone else’s life to revolve around him. (Or her.)
It’s one of the hazards of shielding children from the consequences of their actions, or covering for them, getting them out of trouble. They grow up feeling that they are the most important person in the world, and that leads to the same attitude as they age.
The reality is that we are not the most important persons in the world. The only way to be special is to treat everyone else as more special than you. But when we shield people, including children, from the consequences of their actions, we develop a thankless, heartless, entitled generation.
Next time you come across this attitude, whether in yourself or others, resolve, not to shield the perpetrator from the consequences, but to enforce those consequences with all your might. (As long as it’s safe to do so, of course!)
“Yes. I know you wanted to go to the park. And I know I said that we would go as soon as you’re dressed. But, look. The park gates are locked for the night because you took so long to get dressed.”
Be prepared, however, to suffer your own consequences:
“Well if you had told me to get dressed earlier we wouldn’t have been late!”
I know. It seems like you can’t win. But do this enough times and the message will start getting through.
Respect and dignity require mutual consideration, not insistence on our rights, regardless of the consequences to other people.
Greenacre 9 