Category: Grief

No Regrets

Couple Walking on Porthcawl Beach

Rain that washes o’er my soul
And hides the tears
Rolling down my cheeks
Each time I think of you
And the way things were
Before I knew you.

Are you still the same person
I met, and loved, and married?
Do you still think of me
With longing?
Is there still a place for me
In your heart?

I see you there,
I watch and stare.
Do you still see me?
Do you gaze at what is?
Or at what was
When love was new?

Life moves on
And we move with it.
Changes no man
Could foresee
Turning hair grey
And muscles to jelly.

All those years
Fighting back tears.
And why?
Did it make a difference
To the way we felt;
To the way we feel?

Would life have been so different
If love had not smiled upon us?
Would there be regrets
That could not be assuaged?
Would love have hidden
All our faults and failings?

Then came the children.
Fun and laughter,
Tears and sorrow,
Pain and pleasure
Mixed in tiny packages
That needed love and comfort.

No time for us.
No time to sit and talk.
Tiredness
Takes over our lives
As we suppress our needs
In favour of those who need us more.

And so it goes.
Time’s relentless journey
Marches on.
The children grow
And meet their own loves
And leave an empty nest.

What is there left to say?
Is it time for reflection?
Time to sit and wallow in our past?
Time to grieve what once was ours
But which no longer stirs emotions?
Is this our time?

Oh no. Not us.
Our interests have developed
In different directions.
What, now, do we have
In common with the way we were?
What is there left to talk about?

We’ve changed,
You and I.
We’re not the same;
Not the same people
Who met, and loved,
And married.

We’ve grown and learned
So many different things.
Money-making.
Home-making.
Do we long for that which used to be?
Oh no. Not you and I.

So now I sit
As raindrops wash my soul
And hide the tears
Rolling down my cheeks,
Washing away
The memories.

And you sit with me.
Still here, still faithful
To each other.
Oh how we’ve changed
For the better
Since first we met.

I see it in your eyes that you remember
The boy you met, and loved and married;
The boy who stole your heart
And gave you his in return.
And I remember you the way you were.
And all that came to test our love.

Unbreakable love
That stands the test of time.
I reach for your hand and there we sit,
Raindrops washing over our souls,
Hiding the tears
Of love and joy with no regrets.

That was, at least, the memory
Of times we spent together
We tried to make the most of it
But you’re here no longer
And grief replaced joy
As your life ebbed away.

Now I sit and remember
The times we spent together
But still no regrets
About the past we shared.
And love remains.
You’re still here in my heart.

Wish You Were Here

Reeds

So long you’ve been gone

It seems like just yesterday

When will my heart heal?

Oh how I wish you were here

To be together again

I wrote this eight years ago, eight months after my wife of forty two years passed away. I still think about her, and miss her, every day.

Grief isn’t something that goes away. It’s something you learn to live with. It’s a constant companion. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I used to worry that I was still grieving. But the gap created in your life with the passing of a dear loved one cannot be filled. It’s always there. You just learn to negotiate it.

And when the grief suddenly flares up, as it will, now and then, that’s okay too. The sudden memory, finding an old photo, a useless trinket obtained together when love made you silly, the wish that they were here. They all evoke memories that can bring tears. Let them flow. There’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s just proof that love is forever.

Love Never Fails

I know what you know.
I’m lacking perfection.
But I can still love.

Love conquers all things.
Love can keep us together.
Love never will fail.

Though seasons may pass,
And hair recedes or whitens.
Hearts grow more entwined.

Along life’s valleys,
Over mountains of worry,
Companionship thrives.

Till death us do part,
Or longer, if possible,
To share all our dreams.

That was the original poem I wrote in 2013. But just a few years later, I had to rewrite the last verse.

Till death did us part
But the dream still remains
To be lived all alone.

Let’s See How We Go

What’s a time you followed your gut and it turned out to be exactly right?

Pen y Fan

It was the end of our 37th wedding anniversary holiday when my wife  and I stopped at the Pont-ar-Daf car park at the foot of Pen y Fan in the Brecon Beacons for a rest after a long drive. We decided to stretch our legs a little with a stroll up the path leading to the summit. I had reached the top with a friend a few weeks earlier but my wife had never attempted it.

After a short walk, I asked my wife, who suffered from mild asthma, if she wanted to go back to the car. She asked me what the view was like from the ridge that we could see. I said it’s worth seeing and she said, “Let’s see how we go.”

We walked on steadily, one foot in front of the other, got to the ridge and, indeed, the view was worth the effort. I asked if she was ready to go back to the car and she asked which peak was Pen y Fan. When I pointed it out she said, “Let’s see how we go.”

We kept waking and reached the summit, with its view across the whole of South and Mid Wales just as everyone else was leaving. We were left alone at the top for about ten minutes. It was probably the most emotional experience of our lives together.

We took the required photos and just sat there, alone together, tears in our eyes from the waves of emotions. Getting to the top at the end of an anniversary holiday was well worth the effort. It was a shared experience that drew us even closer together than we had ever been before. And all because of her gut feeling, “Let’s see how we go.” It was the first and only time we ascended Pen y Fan despite living in its shadow for over 40 years together.

The following year, there was upheaval in the family. But that shared experience had given us the strength to keep going and just “see how we go,” one foot in front of the other, in the face of trials.

I rarely directly share personal experiences, but this one has kept me going despite everything that life has thrown at us.

Just over five years later, my wife’s asthma turned out to be lung cancer, and she passed away a few months before what would have been our 43rd anniversary. But that shared experience has kept me going, still dealing with the upheaval in the family, still putting one foot in front of the other, still telling myself, “Let’s see how we go.”

The Box

Couple Walking on Porthcawl Beach

Memories and feelings
All wrapped up in cotton wool
And bubble wrap;
Gently placed inside the box
With polystyrene pieces
And packs of desiccant;
Sealed and marked,
“Do not destroy,”
And archived.

For now, I have no need
Of memories or feelings;
Now that you’ve gone
And left me all alone
To face the bleakness of a future
Filled with sadness,
Filled with tears,
Filled with grief,
And uncertainty

Maybe, some day,
Our great grandchildren
Will look inside
To marvel at the love we shared.
“How quaint that they should be
Together, Oh so long!”
And give us pride of place
Upon their shelves
And mantels.

Or maybe you and I
Will reunite
To open up the box
And let the memories rekindle
The love that bound us
Together, forever;
To set the feelings free
To flood our hearts
And souls.

‘These three remain:
Faith, hope, and love;’
Anchors for this lonely soul
To which I cling with calloused hands
That long to feel
The softness of your cheeks.
Faith, hope, and love
That soon we’ll reunite
In Paradise.