What’s a skill you consider basic, that most people don’t actually know how to do?
When I was younger, we were taught respect; for our elders, for teachers, especially for our parents. And respecting those people gave us a high level of self-respect.
But that education is very rare today. People grow up, and are even being raised, to not respect anyone else, to believe that they are the most important person in the world, and that no one else’s rights matter. As a result they don’t even respect themselves.
So, what basic skill is missing that most people don’t know how to do it? Respect for others, which in turn generates self-respect.
What’s strange about this question is that many people don’t believe in any sort of supreme being, but they believe everything happens for a reason, which suggests that someone is in control.
Confused yet?
Then add to that the fact that, if everything happens for a reason, there’s no point teaching our children to be careful when crossing the road, or using knives, or carrying scissors. After all, if everything happens for a reason, then we have no control over it.
Interestingly, many do believe in a supreme being, God, and that his sayings are recorded in the Bible. One of those sayings, recorded at Ecclesiastes 9v11 is, “time and chance happeneth to them all.” In other words, he does not control everything that happens to us. He gave us free will. And accidents happen.
We like to think that everything happens for a reason because, when accidents happen, we don’t want to be held responsible for our actions; we want to blame someone else.
Because the truth is that things often do happen for a reason; for the reason that we made a choice. All our choices have consequences, whether good or bad. And we need to stop trying to find someone else to blame and start taking responsibility for our own choices.
What’s a lesson you’ve learned recently that shifted your perspective?
We spend all our time trying to control every aspect of our lives. But the reality is that we have very little real control.
A lot of our lives are controlled by others, or by our circumstances. Employees are controlled by their managers, managers by their directors, directors by the business owners, business owners by the market demand. Children are controlled by the needs of their children, and children by the needs of their parents.
And even when we have free time, our freedom is controlled by the circumstances around us.
Take yesterday, as an example. My plan was to work around the house. Then my son called to tell me that he was available to help me with a different task. So, I drove to his house to collect him.
Leaving his home, we were greeted by a number of neighbours asking if it was my car. Yes, it was. Because a bus has just hit it, and the driver took his bus and left the scene before exchanging insurance details.
And that meant that after caring for the heavy lifting with which my son had come to help, and taking him home, I spent the day making reports to the police and insurance company. And now I’ll have to go through the trials of getting the car repaired. And because the bus driver is unknown, I’ll have to pay the excess on my insurance.
What have I learned? That we’re not as “in control” as we’d like to think we are.
How does it change my perspective? It’s a car. No one died. No one even got injured. It’s just a car.
Was I able to do what I wanted to, yesterday? No. I’ll have to do that today. But there’s no point worrying about it. As the saying goes, there’s no good crying over spilt milk. It’s gone. Like the time I’d set aside yesterday, it’s gone. No point worrying about it. I’ll never get that time back. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
So why worry? Why get angry? Will it help get my car fixed? No. Will it make me feel better? No. Will it get the bus driver punished? No. All it will achieve is cause me stress, and shorten my life. So why worry? Why get angry?
Instead, channel that energy into positive acts that get things done.
The positive side of yesterday was that I had less time available, so I carried out a different, shorter task. And strangely, that made a bigger difference than everything I’d planned but couldn’t do!
We must never leave our children in a position where they could be harmed by the consequences of their actions. Still, there’s a difference between being harmed and learning lessons. How do we teach them that everything they say or do has consequences, good or bad?
What do we do when things go wrong? It’s so easy to get frustrated and blame someone else. But what if we really were the ones who got it wrong? Would we take responsibility for our actions?
That’s what’s missing with many people, today. They are happy to blame others for their problems without thinking about their own contribution to the issue. The result is a generation of people who think that the whole world belongs to them; who are so hung up on their “entitlement” that other people’s rights are ignored, pushed into the background, or even trampled on.
As parents, we have a responsibility to raise our children to accept the consequences of their actions rather than protecting them from the educational opportunities.
Protection versus Responsibility
Yes, we have a duty of care; and we must never leave our children in a position where they could be harmed by the consequences of their actions. Still, there’s a difference between being harmed and learning lessons. For example, if our son was caught speeding and we paid the fine, what would he learn? Yes, we might lend him the money to pay; but if we insist that he finds a way to pay it back, then he will learn the lesson rather than think he is entitled to speed.
There are lots of areas where this is so. From an early age we can, and should, teach children to apologise. We should teach them that they are not entitled to other people’s things, that taking without permission is wrong, that it’s not theirs, just because they happen to want it, or that they have it in their hands.
Responsibility is an attitude of mind and heart. We need to teach our children to be responsible and accept the consequences. But that will only happen if we demonstrate that attitude, ourselves.
