Tag: Consequences

Losing Everything

Way Marker, St. Illtyd’s Way, Aberdare

I watched as a pigeon landed nearby with a piece of bread, far too big to eat. He started to wrestle with it, his beak shaking it about trying to break it into smaller, bite-sized pieces.

All this activity did not go unnoticed. Another pigeon saw the commotion and flew in to investigate. Seeing such a grand feast, he challenged for possession.

The defendant dropped the bread and stood his ground. But the challenger was intent on getting the prize. He moved in, aggressively. A fight ensued, with both pigeons slugging it out, beak to beak. No quarter was asked, and no quarter was given.

The two antagonists kept up the fracas for a short while, making lots of movement and a great deal of loud noise.

But the fight was being observed from on high. At the opportune moment, a seagull swooped in, his great beak aiming at the target. He landed, gulped the bread down, and left, just as quickly as he had appeared; all in one smooth movement.

The antagonists looked on, stunned, and went on their way, hungry.

Watching this drama unfold, I realised that whenever we focus on our disagreements, we lose sight of the bigger picture.

And we risk losing everything.

The job you want

If the salary was the same, what job would you be doing right now and why?

I’ve always said that I’d rather have a lower paying job that I enjoy than a higher paying job for which I struggle to get out of bed.

The salary isn’t important. If you don’t like the job, or the people you’re working with, you’ll struggle to get up every morning and eventually the salary will not seem as important and you’ll lose it, anyway.

The reality is that most jobs pay a living wage by law. The real problem isn’t the salary; it’s what we do with the salary. When we overspend, we go looking for a high paying job that we don’t like. Far better to live within the means provided by a lower paying job that we enjoy.

One of the things I’ve learned since I’ve retired is that we waste stress on work. Once we leave, someone else takes over. And they could have taken over long ago if we had left sooner. We are not as irreplaceable as we’d like to think.

So, the salary isn’t the important thing. It’s more about enjoying the life you can afford than striving for the one you can’t.

Today is All I Need

If you could relive one day from your past, which day would it be and why?

Why relive a day in the past?

To enjoy the exquisite pleasure again? It wouldn’t be the same.

To correct a stupid mistake? How might that change the present? For better? Or for worse?

So many past experiences, good, bad, and indifferent, have made us what we are today. How would we be changed by reliving one day, especially if we changed something?  Would we be happier? Would we be sadder?

Were the good old days really that good? Were the bad old days really that bad? How might our present knowledge, shaped by our past, affect our experience of that day?

Did a bad experience change us for the better? Or a good experience change us for the worse? What might happen if we changed that experience?

Even if we simply visited the day and watched what happened as an observer, our experience of that day would be different from what it was at the time.

The past made us what we are today, for better or worse. If we changed something, it would affect us in unknown ways. If we left things alone, it would still change us in unknown ways.

Such is the time travel paradox. We can’t relive the past without changing our experience of it, and our memory of it.

No. Today is enough for me.

You made a difference

If your future self could send you one sentence, what do you hope it would say?

I would hope that I could look back on my life and say, “You made a difference.”

Many people spend their lives trying to obtain some sort of wealth and so-called success. But what is wealth? What is success?

E told me that her sister, S, was visiting. S, who had no grandchildren, looked around at E’s photos of her grandchildren and said, “I may have money. But your wealth is in these photos.”

Real wealth and real success are in the difference we make in the lives of others.

My Way . . . Our No Way

Weather Vane

I have recently become fascinated by the number of people who believe that the world revolves around them.

I’m all for encouraging others to feel good about themselves, and I don’t disagree with trying to engender positivity. I like the concept of helping everyone to build self-esteem.

Yet it seems to me that the current “accept everything” model, together with the idea that it’s not right (not acceptable in a world that accepts everything?) to tell a child that they are in the wrong, is building a world full of selfish entitlement. It’s my way, or no way.

For example, you make arrangements to catch a specific train. That requires you to leave the house by a specific time so as to get to the station on time. Yet the attitude seems to be, “Well the train will just have to wait for me!”

I’m sorry, but when did your entitlement to be late overrule everyone else’s entitlement to be punctual?

Interestingly, such people will often make a major issue over your relaxed arrangements. This is a wonderful experience to behold.

“What time are we leaving?”

“After breakfast.”

“So what time is that?”

“Between 9.00 and 10.00.”

“Can’t you be more specific?”

“Not really. It depends on how long it takes everyone to get ready. But as long as we leave by 10.00 we’ll be fine.”

“So 10.00, then.”

“No. Between 9.00 and 10.00; when we are all ready. But definitely before 10.00 so that we miss the traffic.”

Then the fun starts. Breakfast over, you say:

“Is everyone ready to leave, then?”

“No. I have to get dressed”

“Go on, then. But don’t take too long. You have 15 minutes.”

Twenty minutes later, at 10.05 you go to check.

“Not dressed, yet? We’re going to be late and we’ll get caught in the traffic and miss the train.”

“Well, they’ll just have to wait for me, won’t they. You’ll just have to drive faster.”

And this person who was simply going to die unless you gave them a specific time now holds everything up, expecting everyone else’s life to revolve around him. (Or her.)

It’s one of the hazards of shielding children from the consequences of their actions, or covering for them, getting them out of trouble. They grow up feeling that they are the most important person in the world, and that leads to the same attitude as they age.

The reality is that we are not the most important persons in the world. The only way to be special is to treat everyone else as more special than you. But when we shield people, including children, from the consequences of their actions, we develop a thankless, heartless, entitled generation.

Next time you come across this attitude, whether in yourself or others, resolve, not to shield the perpetrator from the consequences, but to enforce those consequences with all your might. (As long as it’s safe to do so, of course!)

“Yes. I know you wanted to go to the park. And I know I said that we would go as soon as you’re dressed. But, look. The park gates are locked for the night because you took so long to get dressed.”

Be prepared, however, to suffer your own consequences:

“Well if you had told me to get dressed earlier we wouldn’t have been late!”

I know. It seems like you can’t win. But do this enough times and the message will start getting through.

Respect and dignity require mutual consideration, not insistence on our rights, regardless of the consequences to other people.